My fat story

7 May

I am big.

I may want to attribute my thunder thighs and flabby arms to my mom’s side; while my statuesque height to my dad’s side (the tallest among us is my girl cousin, who stands at around 5’10). I was born weighing 8-plus pounds, with chubby limbs begging to be bitten by almost everyone who catch sight of me.

Although I am tall at almost 5’7, I was never stick thin like any supermodels would. I am overweight and borderline obese.

I guess the thinnest I got was back in college, when we were too busy doing our thesis. Apart from devoiding myself of sleep and rest, I took into a regimen of Chinese slimming pills that made my excrements smell like, er, spoilt Chinese teabags. I also tried the legit stuff like those OTC tablets that made me poop grease; as well as herbal teas that churned my stomach like a spin dryer working overtime. Though I never really achieved the body of a pin-up girl, I was happy that clothes fit, and that everybody thinks I look good.

Or so I thought.

While I enjoyed being the kind of fit society labeled on each one of us, it had a few setbacks. For one, I suffered sleepless nights, dry mouth and constant peeing while on Chinese slimming pills. Those nights of forcing myself to sleep lasted for a week until my body had gotten used to it. But still, I was dehydrated. There was also one time that my mouth was so dry, that I think it triggered my impacted wisdom tooth to ache. I had to stop taking the pills because it might interfere with the anesthesia to extract my tooth.

Eventually I gained back twice the weight I lost through the Chinese concoctions. So imagine the horror I had to face every family gatherings and reunion with long lost friends, when almost everyone almost have the need to address how big I have become. Even if I was happy with my work and my love life, I grew sullen, insecure and depressed.

But you know, there’s this bright light that help me see things crystal clear. I was diagnosed to have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome in 2010, where my hormones go on overdrive. This results to irregular menstruation, insulin resistance and yes, obesity. Although there is no known cause to this, but I kind of attribute this to the years of hapless torture I did to myself because I–and together with some people–was not content and happy with what I look.

I began to accept my condition. I was given medication to help my hormones function better. The downside is that I may gain weight. Sure, I said. I’m doing this for me to prepare myself to not have a hard time conceiving in the future. Still, there are some people who do not understand my condition. I kept receiving taunts here and there, and what’s more annoying is that they come from within my close circle of important people. I keep it in my mind that they know nothing about what I had to go through, keeping my weight down just so I won’t have to hear anything hurtful from these people. And they know nothing about me having PCOS. I kept my chin up, be the bigger person and just shun them with my bitchessa wit. May problema ka? Anong paki mo, katawan mo ‘to?!

I am not saying that having PCOS is an excuse for me to gain all the weight I want. In fact, it has been troublesome for me because I had to deal with wonky periods as well as the adverse effects of oral contraceptive–which was prescribed to aid stabilize my hormones. Very recently, I had a huge scare involving my blood pressure. Although I remember that my OBG had forewarned me about this, this alarmed me because let’s face it, we plumpies are predisposed to health issues caused by our weight. Due to that, I am more motivated to do a lifestyle change–to exercise and eat healthy–not because I want to be skinny, but because I love myself and I want to grow old with my own plump prince of almost eight years (yes, he’s a plumpie too!), see our future kids succeed in whatever field they want to, and to take care of God-knows-how-many grandchildren they decide to give us. If I lose weight in the process, then so be it. For as long as I stay healthy and happy, fatty or no fatty.

Sure, there’s so much regret looking back at how I punished my body. But deep down, I saw in other people how they accepted me for who I am. Don’t despair trying to lose weight in dangerous proportions. For what, for social acceptance? To get your dream job? To have a love life? I remember a friend telling me, “Buti ka pa, kahit mataba ka, tanggap mo at masaya ka. Di katulad ng ibang kilala ko nawalan na ng confidence sa sarili at hindi na nakuntento.” Dear plumpie, your fat are just some wiggly, bedimpled contraptions hugging your body. It’s not part of your thinking process. It’s not who you are. It’s what inside your heart and your mind that’s who you are.

So my dear plumpie, hold your head up high. Smile, because you’re beautiful.

xoxo, Kassy

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3 Responses to “My fat story”

  1. barefoot_med_student 7 May 12 at 11:26 pm #

    Thanks for sharing your story. PCOS is a sucker, and so difficult to treat! My friend was put on anti-testosterone for her PCOS, which also made her drop weight a little, but it’s got tonnes of side-effects and it’s not an option for everyone.

    I love how you have learned to love yourself despite the opinion of others – I still need to learn to do that.

    And by the way, I think you look stunning in that picture!

  2. Kush Plus Size 21 May 12 at 7:19 pm #

    “So my dear plumpie, hold your head up high. Smile, because you’re beautiful.” —

    It’s great that you’ve won this battle with yourself. I hope that more plus size women come to this realization and share the same happiness. Great job and keep holding that head up high! 🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Back with a vengeance! « THIS IS NOT KASSY - 9 June 12

    […] I needed to have myself cleared for work. You see, I have Polycystic Ovaries (which I mentioned here) and the HMO apparently didn’t want to clear me for that. Also, as per my OBG, taking pills […]

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